It would make sense to start my very first post about what eventually made me confirm. There were a variety of factors, but the one constant was my desire to ensure salvation-namely Heaven.
Now as I was learning more about the faith, prior to that I thought Heaven was a place. I was told by my boyfriend I had an elementary understanding of Heaven, as Heaven was not a place but a STATE OF BEING.
Prior to fully joining the church in my mind Heaven was a place with fluffy clouds, lions on fluffy clouds, lots of harps, and maybe a portion of Supernatural’s explanation of Heaven. Not particularly sophisticated, but I imagined a place with a lot of happiness, clouds, chocolate and maybe a big enough house for me and any cats or dogs I want. Especially my cats. I also really enjoyed the idea of perhaps reading scrolls and finding out more about mysteries of this lifetime. The scroll concept was taught to me by a New Age philosopher, who I no longer ascribe too.
It boggled my mind to think Heaven was not a place. It was how I understood the concept of Heaven for so many year and the idea of this grand concept revealing itself as a state of being reminded me greatly of Eastern philosophy, namely Nirvana.
As a result I continued RCIA classes and recently looked up articles. I found the following to be the most helpful:
Will there be sex and marriage in Heaven?
Knowing this, and God forgive me, but the idea of Heaven also terrifies me. My relationship with Jesus was not formed overnight. I had a fairly strong relationship with God and wasn’t aware one should have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. This being another story, for another time. However, the thought of being in God’s presence and wanting to worship him and be in full communion frightened me. Why? I wonder what happens if I at one point I get bored or start to equate full worship and communion as a sort of totalitarian state. Do I let go of my friends, my loved ones, and everyone to simply be in His Grace? Worse, what if I’m not simply fit for Heaven? Which, is why I found the idea of absolute fulfillment amazing and perplexing. The concept is so wonderful, yet so indescribable that no matter how expansive my imagination, I can’t picture it clearly without simply wanting more. It’s materialistic, but this type of happiness is something that is meant to surround us 24/7. I’ve felt true joy. I’m happy now. But absolute fulfillment? That’s interesting.
Heaven is principally a state of utter and absolute fulfillment. In the possession of God in the beatific vision the blessed will experience what cannot be put into words; a radical union with God that transcends anything we could envisage.
That’s all I have to go on. I don’t think I can comprehend that. I know God is love. I know I want to experience Heaven. I’m afraid I won’t love enough. I’m afraid I’ll miss my cats Isis and Oreo. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, but I know for a fact I don’t want to go to Hell. Hell signifies being separated from God forever. I can’t fathom that.
As a result I will pray for you, for me, and anyone tonight who is boggled by the concept of Heaven. I may never fully understand Heaven or how such a thing operates, but ultimately I want what’s best for us.
-St. Anthony pray for us.