Towards the end of the year I became busy and kept having to give up so much of my time for others. There have been claims that I have plenty of time, but truthfully I do not feel it as I feel depleted and sacrificial instead of revived and energized.
Somewhere along the road I lost him. God.
Now, no one really loses God. It’s impossible.
Yet, I feel empty. Helping out with one ministry feels me with dread. I know I should leave it, but there are people dependent upon me, but I lack the motivation. I lack heart. There are times certain responsibilities take a priority, thus this beautiful little blog became abandoned.
It’s not what I desire. I am perplexed at times at how there are Catholics who are cheery and ready to go to church, when sometimes you feel at your lowest, your loneliest, as if though no one dares understands you. As if though your thoughts, concerns, and struggles are minimal compared to the real work of others. I feel terrible thinking I must be alone in this.
As if though, I am faking it, when not even private Facebook groups with women who share their most painful and private moments about Catholicism would understand. I fear their scorn. I fear the scorn of those close to me who are on automatic, as I want to simply be on the surface of the water, not drowning in solitude.
And so I wonder, could it just be me?
It simply cannot be.
So I open my heart. My fears. My shortcomings to both God and you dear reader. I am not always bubbly and upbeat. I can suffer. Hold anger, fear, abandonment in my heart. I can feel distaste and resentment.
But I will taste hope once again.
I will feel born to hear the call of Jesus Christ once more.
And I will invite you with me. Dragging you along if necessary, just so you can see, you are not alone.
For you have God.